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The twins are done with preschool for this school year. I wonder why preschool and college seem to be on the same academic schedule?!? I'm not entirely sure what our summer plans entail just yet (I'm totally open to suggestions!). For now I'm thinking we'll be making good use of the pool (and free childcare) at our health club.

Speaking of the pool, E&I have been taking swimming lessons for the past 2 months. They absolutely love it, and have gone from being afraid of the pool to swimming semi-independently.

Izzie still adores gymnastics. We moved her to a "real gym" in a neighboring suburb, and she wakes up every day asking whether it's Tuesday (gymnastics day) yet.

Elijah's been having a very hard time lately. He's started protesting bedtime by *screaming* every night for about an hour because he doesn't (ever) want to go to sleep. He's never been a fan of bedtime, but this is totally new behaviour (just in the past two weeks) and and it's been incredibly frustrating for me not to know how to help him (he does not tolerate back rubbing or having someone lie with him, but gets even more upset when we try to walk away). I've also been feeling a huge amount of guilt for getting annoyed with him when I know deep down there are bigger things going on with him.

On a more positive note, Elijah is in the process of being evaluated in several different areas. I'm very relieved to finally be getting some insight into the specific challenges he faces, to know that other people see that his behaviours are not "normal" and there are things that can be done to channel his energy and help regulate his emotions. He's an amazing kid, and I want so much to see him succeed. Hopefully some of the services we'll be receiving will set us on a better path.

4 year old twin stats

Elijah:
40.25 inches
38 pounds

Isabel:
39.75 inches
36 pounds

I was really surprised by both their heights and their weights. They've always been tall and skinny for their ages (generally in the 80th percentile for height and the 30th for weight), but now they're right smack in the middle for both.

The twins each got three shots. We had talked about it beforehand, and both kids agreed that they would try to be brave. Elijah went first. He was startled by the first shot, and gasped, but did not cry. His lip quivered a bit with the second shot, but he made it through without tears. It wasn't until *after* the DTaP that the tears came. He was very brave, and I was extremely proud of him.

Isabel, on the other hand, began shrieking as soon as she saw what was happening to Elijah. I really wish they were able to give them shots in separate rooms! Anyway, she began clawing and kicking and screaming and crying before we could even get her sleeve up. It was a nightmare, and took 3 people holding various parts of her flailing body before it was over. It was a horrible, traumatic experience for all of us, and afterwards Izzie declared that she is never not ever going back to the doctor's office again. She does not want to go to school *that* badly.

We made it through, and I treated the twins to fruit freezes from a local noodle shop afterwards.

Mother's day is rough. It's probably the hardest day of the year for me because it carries the weight of so much loss- both the loss of my own mother, and my childrens' loss of their first mother. It's very, very hard for me to be happy on this day.

A friend of mine whom I have incredible respect for wrote this, and I think it speaks beautifully to the multifaceted nuances of a woman's relationship to her mother:

"it is amazing to me how a part of me will always remain a child, a little girl, who’d like nothing more than to curl up beside her mother and listen to her speak. it is a sense memory, a longing, that i doubt i will ever be free of.

as the years pass, life has given me an attitude towards my mother that i think i have never known before: a gentle tolerance for her faults, and eyes that see and scan her form every so often, noting the places, like her hands and feet, where her lived life has begun to show. there is a steadfastly growing concern within me for her well-being, her health, her peace of mind. it very oddly makes me want to cradle her, to shelter her somehow from the hardships life has always brought her way.

it is as if, suddenly, i have been given new eyes which have ceased to look at her childishly, selfishly. as if, overnight, i suddenly understand—and feel deeply—what all the working late at nights meant. and in the face of this, i feel humbled and ashamed. because i was mad at her a lot. for working such odd hours. for having to come home to a house that did not have her waiting in it.

to only come at this realization now, so late in the game, seems deeply cruel in my mind. for both of us, yes. but for her, most especially.

i love my mom now in a way that i know i have never loved her before, and it makes me want to sit here and weep. in all my life, i have never found anything that so soothes my spirit the way my mother’s love and gentleness can. never. never. never. it is this undeniable balm that literally has me at her feet, every time.

when i think of her, my heart feels full, to the brim, aching. and i want, childishly, desperately, to somehow pay her back in an instant for EVERYTHING. for every restless night, for every lie that broke her heart, for every single time i ever accused her of not loving me well or good enough.

such a foolish girl, with silly foolish thoughts.

i have a mother who loves me, perfectly, imperfectly, and i know deep in my soul that i have been so magnificently blessed by her. i have a mother who loves me so hard that i can trace the evidence of it in every dip and bend and bow of her body.

mom, i blow a thousand kisses to your tired hands, your aching feet—for their crooked shape, for their stark, prominent veins, for the rough and the not so smooth—because i can think of nothing else that stands testament to how deeply you have loved us."

On this day, I am thankful for the moments I had with my own mother. Although I still miss her desperately, I'm beginning to see some of her influences reflected in how we're raising the twins. She's here in spirit, if not in body.

I am endlessly grateful for the opportunity to be a mother to my two children, who continue to amaze me daily, and I still grieve for the circumstances and sacrifices that allowed my children to become mine.

I am thankful to my mother-in-law for raising my husband to be the man that he is today.

And I am thankful to all of the women in my life who inspire me, encourage me, and help me along the way as I try to become the very best mother I can possibly be.

Class Pictures

It's hard to believe the school year is already coming to a close (we only have one more week of class before summer break starts)! With that in mind, I wanted to document a little bit about their preschool class this year.

Front Row: James, Otis, Elijah, Ryan, Xander, Zacar, Joseph
Middle Row: Dash, Izzie, Hudson, Coco, Pherris, Ligaya, Robert
Back Row: Sarah, Leela, Yan, Ella, Jaela, Desmond
Teachers: Miss Amanda, Ms. Donna, Mr. Russell

This has been a really fun school year for Isabel and Elijah. They've been going to the preschool at our local community center for the past year and a half, and they absolutely love it! They adore their teachers, have made lots of friends, and come home each day having learned something new!

James, Jaela, Coco, and Robert have been in class with the twins since they were 2. It's been really fun to see how these guys have grown up this past year!

This year at school, the twins have really been working on their letters (both reading and writing them) Izzie has been in a small group with the kids who are headed to preschool this fall, and is regularly trying to read and sound out words that she sees everywhere she goes. Elijah's talents remain building elaborate cities and singing the songs he makes up. His teachers have even set aside special time during the day for Elijah to entertain the class with his songs. Apparently the kids love them!

Every day after pickup, E&I play with Leela and Ligaya outside the school. Sometimes Ryan, Xander, Robert, Yan, Otis and Ryan join us. The boys love to chase each other around and play "monster", and the girls really like to practice their balance on a 4 foot high concrete wall (which induces panic in all of the parents).

Four