Is anybody still out there?
For anyone who is still there, I'm sorry about the extended hiatus. I've needed some time away from the blogosphere so I could get certain things in order. Last year was a really crazy year for us with lots of extreme highs to celebrate (Purchasing our first home!) and many challenges to overcome (i.e. moving twice; making the decision to cut off contact with my family). We made it through all of that, and are doing really well right now, so maybe I'm ready to resurrect the blog. No promises just yet. I'm going to need to give it a while and see how it feels.
My new year's resolution this year had to do with letting go. I tend to be pretty sensitive and overly emotional. I hang on to things, both physical and emotional, long beyond the time when I really should let go. It finally hit me like a ton of bricks that holding on so hard to things that aren't meant to be mine does nothing but hurt me. So I'm learning to let go, and begin to deal head-on with the messy emotions that arise from that process.
Here's a list of some of the things I'm letting go of:
1. The ideal of what my family should (or could) have been. This was actually much harder to do than letting go of the actual people in my family. Maybe my expectations are unrealistic, but I feel like I did everything in my power to support each member of my family (physically, emotionally and even financially to some extent) when my mom died. Not once did any of them ask me how I was coping. Our relationship had become so one-sided, and I could see that, but I wasn't ready to give up on the hope that it would get better. Instead it got worse, and I had to walk away, for my own good and the good of my family. Since I made that decision, I feel like the weight of the world has lifted off my shoulders. I am so much happier now, and cutting the drama out of my life has enabled me to tackle some other important issues.
2. The idea that I need to be a perfect parent and somehow compensate for the fact that we don't have a close knit support network nearby. I love my children, but there are definitely times when I don't like them very much. The combination of their age (2.75), their relatively independent spirits, and the fact that there are two of them can be overwhelming at time. So I've resolved to do the best I possibly can, and be okay with that.
3. The thought that I should come last. I'm learning that if I prioritize myself more often, then I will have so much more to offer everyone else. Toward that end, I have been reconnecting with old friends, pursuing some of my own interests, and making a very conscious effort to live a healthier lifestyle. I have been cooking fresh, healthy meals most nights, going to our health club to work out every single day. As a result, I have "let go" of nearly 20 pounds.
So now that I've laid my soul bare, I may go back into hiding again. Or maybe not. Time will tell.
Oh, and I couldn't write a whole post without mentioning the twins. They're doing great! They started preschool and love it (save for a terrifying experience with a fire alarm, but we're working through that). They're chatty as ever, but have now taken to correcting me. Elijah will often say "I don't think that's true" or "don't tell me lies". They've also both become backseat drivers, telling me which way to turn, or sighing loudly and saying "mom, just go" every time we get stuck at a red light. I often have to remind myself that they're not even three.
Elijah is fully potty trained and very proud of himself. Izzie is 97% of the way there, but will pee in a pull-up if we give her one. She often requests pull ups, but doesn't usually have accidents if we put her in underwear.
Izzie finally learned how to zip her coat this morning. We've been practicing for weeks, and she's been determined to figure it out.
That's about it for now...
