moved (again)

www.adventuresofthewondertwins.wordpress.com

apparently

I've used up all of my allotted space for photos. I'm not going to buy more space, so I'm considering moving to wordpress, but dreading the process. Anyone have any tips?

Halloween

Ready to go

Incognito

Linguini & Remy (a *very* last minute costume!) 

The RC Crew

Wings Askew

I fell completely in love with this house (which just so happens to be right across the street from a letterpress studio!)

The Haul (x2)

30 days of (almost) nothing

Well, here we are, November 1st. It's been a rough road. We started this year out so strong, and then have had an unbelievable string of bad luck throughout the year. The money we worked so hard to save earlier in the year has been depleted by several huge unexpected expenses, and the emergencies just keep on coming. I guess we'll start again next year!

So in an effort to stave off as much spending as we can, we're doing another 30 days of (almost) nothing. However, there's nothing admirable in this particular effort. No "getting in touch with our spending" or altruistic intentions for the results of our efforts. We will be using whatever money we save to go on vacation. Because we need it. Badly.

Doing this in November is going to present a lot more challenges than our January endeavor did. Mostly because the advertising this time of year is so "in-your-face", and the sales seem so good. And also because everyone else seems to be in buying mode. It doesn't help that I have lots of dreams involving vintage furniture that could double as extra storage...

You may have noticed that I said 30 days of (almost) nothing. The big exception that we'll be making is that on Saturday night, Jon and I will be going on a very well-deserved date while the kids have a slumber party at Jon's parents' house. Other than that, though, the kids Christmas presents are already purchased and hidden away, our holiday cards are here (along with the stamps), I put our netflix account on hold until January, and I think we're pretty well set on household supplies (i.e. no making our own deodorant this time around!). It is a good reminder to be content with what we have rather than constantly on the lookout for the next thing to want. (I just read a book called "Life would be perfect if I lived in that house" and I could *so* relate to that sentiment!)

We do not, however, have hotel room reservations for our trip, which could prove tricky if there's a sudden rush during the month of November. What can I say, we like to live dangerously. If all else fails, we always have the rental car!

Twinterviews

Isabel

My name is Isabel and I am 4, and I’m almost gonna be 5. I like to be helpful and I do what my mom asks me. I like to run and sing and dance. I love animals.

Favourites:

Breakfast: Yogurt, granola and berries

Lunch: Ham and cheese sandwich with strawberries and cupcakes

Dinner: Taco Salad, Olive and cheese pasta, Pizza with pineapple and cheese

Drink: water

Toy: Hannah, Plasma car, and I like to draw

TV Show: Charlie and Lola

Book: Me and my Body, Dancing in the Wings

Movie: Shrek

Game: Guess Who

Songs: Glittering Cloud (Imogen Heap), Home (Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros), Good Intentions Paving Company (Joanna Newsom)

Animals: Tiger, Dog, Cat

Hairstyle: Down or Braids with beads

Best Friends: Ligaya, Robert, Leela, Elijah, Miku, Kerry, Destiny, Imani, Abdullah, Kai, Michael, Gavin, Nora, Jack, Belo, Baby Max, Mom, Dad

Teachers: Ms. Parent, Ms. Desser, Ms. Battle, Mr. Russell, Ms. Amanda, Ms. Donna

I’m special because I can do a cartwheel and a handstand. I’m a very good gymnast. I’m good at picture takin’.  I’m a hard worker. I’m loving, thoughtful, kind, beautiful. I love animals. I love dancin’.

What do you love about each person in our family?

Elijah: I love that he has curly hair like me. He’s a good sharer.

Dad: I love that he makes perfect eggs, and that he works so hard so I can go to my gymnastics.

Mom: I like to read books with her.

Roscoe: That he begs.

Yourself: I do cartwheels.

Where do you want to go on vacation? To New York City.

What are some of your wishes for this year? I wish for my mom to give me hugs lots of times. I wish everyone would have money.

What would you like to be when you grow up? A Gymnast and a Swimmer.

Where would you like to live when you grow up? In New York City in an apartment.

Elijah

My name is Elijah and I am 4. I like trains and helicopters and building cool cities and machines. 

Favourites:

Breakfast: Eggs and Oatmeal

Lunch: Peanut Butter and Jelly with some grapes

Dinner: I think I like Pizza with cheese and garlic

Drink: Lemonade

Toy: My City and my School

TV Shows: Charlie and Lola, Sid the Science Kid, Alton Brown Cookin’

Books: My Spacecraft Book, My Science Book, Iggy Peck, Architect

Movie: Ratatouille 

Game: Operation (Doctor Game)

Songs: Goodnight Airplane (an original composition), Sky (Joshua Radin), A Book Like This (Angus & Julia Stone), Skinny Love (Bon Iver)

Animal: Seals

Best Friends: Quinn, Kayden and Jesi, Nora, Katie, Nate, Stefano, Emily, Coco, Ligaya, Leela, Ryan, Robert, Jack, Belo

Teachers: Miss Amanda, Miss Donna, Mr. Russel, Ms. Van Ausdall, Mrs. Becker & Ms. Cerza

I’m special because I am a good chef and a hard worker and build up so tall buildings and skyscrapers and big cities. I’m special because I’m creative and generous and I’m kind and thoughtful. I tell jokes and I’m very funny. 

What do you love about each person in our family?

Isabel: She is brown and she works with me building train tracks and cities. 

Dad: He’s an engineer like me, and he plays and plays with us. 

Mom: She gives me hugs and kisses and love and that makes my heart happy. 

Roscoe: That he’s my co-pilot and co-pirate, and he goes bark “ruff ruff”.

Yourself: I make funny jokes and I work hard and am a happy engineer who makes the earth happy. 

Where do you want to go on vacation? To a City. Tokyo. 

What are some of your wishes for this year? I wish for a crane. I wish that all the kids in the world would have toys. 

What would you like to be when you grow up? A firefighter, a policeman, a spaceman, a dad, an engineer, A doctor and a boy nurse and a surgeon and I’ll make the earth happy ever after. 

Where would you like to live when you grow up? I would like to live in an apartment in New Jersey. I like it because it has trains and buses and airplanes. 

It's Over!

After 2.5 years of studying, and the past 9 months living with a husband / father who felt and seemed more like a ghost or a memory, the exams are over and he is back! He feels good about them, confident that he did as well as he possibly could have. And now begins the 3 month wait for results. (Why it takes 3 months  to grade scantrons is beyond me.)

Anyway, he's home. The kids are wild with glee. (Sometimes I feel like it's a little bit easier when he's not around, only because the kids are *so* excited to see him that they cannot contain themselves.) We've pretty much skipped Halloween this year. I took them to a pumpkin patch one day, but we did not decorate, carve pumpkins, or do anything else Halloweenish. I just couldn't. We will go trick or treating this afternoon, though Elijah already destroyed his costume at school on Friday, so I'm not sure what we'll do about that.

We've been in survival mode for so long, I feel like we could be candidates for an episode of Hoarders. I feel like I'm constantly picking up rogue toys, papers, vacuuming, etc. (and that's not even mentioning the actual *cleaning* that desperately needs to be done. Or the laundry. ugh!) The other day my children discovered their love of scissors and glue and I came downstairs to find a brilliant masterpiece, a rocket, according to them, glued to my dining room table.

Bedtimes for all of us have been iffy. I went to the doctor who prescribed Ambien. I've tried it three times now, with absolutely no effect except that I wake up even more exhausted than normal and with a headache. Then I'm groggy the next day. The kids and I have tried several new things to help with sleep: we went on a long walk one afternoon looking for y shaped sticks. Then, when we got home, we made "bad dream catchers" by winding colourful yarn around the sticks. I told them that the dream catchers wouldn't let any bad dreams get into their heads at night. They loved doing this.

We're also going to try having quiet journal time before bed. hopefully that can get any "worrisome thoughts" out and make for an easier transition. I've also begun playing music again. They always had music to fall asleep to when they were little, and after they broke their cd player, that stopped. I think the music really calms them and makes them feel a little less alone.

In other news, we're gearing up for another 30 days of (almost) nothing. I'll write another post specifically about that, but on the upside, I'm pretty much done with Christmas shopping, my holiday cards are here and ready to be stamped and addressed (don't worry I won't actually send them until after Thanksgiving!) I lost a lot of my addresses when my computer died, so please, please send me your address!

Also, in December, we're going on our first real family vacation in over 2 years! The best part? We'll finally get to meet Heather, Adam, Charlie, & Mallory! I'm getting pretty excited, both for the time away and for the time with them!

update.

I'm hanging by a thread, but at least the end of this chaotic schedule is near. In the meantime, if anybody has advice on sleep issues, I'm all ears:

My kids are exhausted when they get home from school. They desperately need to nap, but they are vehemently opposed to anything that even begins to resemble quiet time. My choices appear to be:

a. Try to enforce "quiet time" by putting them in their room, or in separate rooms only to have them scream bloody murder for an hour or more.

b. Try to force naps by lying with them and reading books to them. Typically one child will listen to whatever story I'm reading while the other whines, fights and runs amok. Eventually everything deteriorates into chaos and leaves all three of us grumpy and exhausted.

c. Let them "play" which lately involves them fighting and screaming at one another, and then try to enforce an earlier bedtime which they fight with every ounce of willpower they have. (This also means that they will *never* see their father during the week.)

d. Let them watch television, which seems to be the only activity that they are able to do together without fighting or melting down. However, if I choose this option, I must accept the complete meltdown that will occur when the television eventually has to go off. (My rule in the past has generally been that they may not watch television on school days because it becomes an OBSESSION!)

I have also tried taking them out (to a park or on an adventure) which just results in public meltdowns; organizing quiet activities (art projects, table toys, etc.) which results in frustration, whining, and temper tantrums; massages which either whip them into a frenzy because they "tickle", or elicit the command "don't touch my body". I am at a complete loss for what more I can do.

Bedtime has been a nightmare because they're so overtired. Tonight Izzie screamed and cried for an hour because her favourite pajamas are in the wash. She finally fell asleep, but two and a half hours after we went through the bedtime routine, Elijah is still wide awake and saying that he's "scared of the rain". If I lie down with him, he tells me I'm hurting him (*any* touch "hurts him"). If I stay in the room quietly, he yells at me for "staring at him". If I leave, he follows me. I cannot win. I have tried everything I can think of, and I do not have the reserves to deal with this every single night. It has been four years, and it's getting worse!

It is driving me crazy that the only time I can spend with my kids is wrought with exasperation, frustration, and fighting. I am so drained, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Something's gotta give!

Jon takes his exams next week. I can only hope that things begin to find a new equilibrium once he's able to be around more.

Thank You

To all who've reached out to me with words of kindness and support and friendship. It is so deeply appreciated. And thanks to Heather for reminding me of this song when I needed it most:

Blogs are supposed to be shiny, happy places full of adorable pictures and regaling their readers with tales of excursions and amusing moments. This will not be that sort of blog entry.

When I took the blog private, I had hoped I would be able to speak more candidly. And yet, I have been terrified to write this post because it renders me completely vulnerable and reveals the ugly behind the facade of happiness.

I have started and then erased this post so many times I've lost count. I don't know where or how to begin, and I don't know what response I could possibly receive. Or even want to receive. Really, I just need to vent.

I am in a bad place. Holding things together with rubber bands and string. Yarn and glue and tape and whatever other scraps of normalcy I can muster. I see each day as a challenge. A mountain to climb with no hope of ever seeing the views from the summit. Each time I maneuver my way through a treacherous path, another obstacle jumps out in front of me. I don't have the energy to keep going, and yet I must. Because there are people who depend on me. People who had absolutely no say in the matter of ending up with me as their mother.

Things began to unravel when my mother died. My father, whom I've never exactly been close with (because it's hard to forge a connection with a person who uses you as the physical and emotional receptacle for all of their anger at the universe) lost the last remnants of soul and humanity when my mom died. My sister began acting out (as teenagers with no structure and deep grief will). My aunt and her children (who my mother supported both financially and emotionally) went AWOL, descending into their own personal dramas. My sole source of support through my mother's death and the subsequent loss of my entire family has been Jon. That's a whole lot of burden for him to bear.

What is hardest is that my children, through no fault of their own, are stuck with me as their mother. I try to do the right things, make the right choices, not damage them too much as we go about our days. But the fact of the matter is that when I'm having an especially bad day, they have nowhere else to turn. No respite from the storms of my anger, my emotional unavailability, or my inability to feel empathy when they can't stop arguing over a favourite toy. Lately they don't even have Jon to act as a buffer or offer an alternative perspective. I'm trying my hardest to hold down the fort until these tests are over. He doesn't need any more stress. But it's all so much harder than I ever could have anticipated.

It is hard for me to see images or hear stories of perfection, because I am so, so far from that. I have the best of intentions, but cannot find the ability to follow through. I am full of ideas, and cannot take action. It is hard for me to be around happy people because I feel so incredibly disconnected. It is hard for me to share in others' joy. I don't want to feel this way. It's so incredibly selfish, and I am not proud to admit that I feel this way. But I do.

I have been seeing a therapist for the past year, and while it's been helpful and good and extremely cathartic, it doesn't change the fact that I am alone in this. That I have no support aside from my husband.  That I miss my mother more than I could ever put into words. That each mundane task is a reminder that she's not here to make folding laundry more fun, meet us at a museum, or take the twins back to school shopping. That there is nobody nearby who might be able to watch the kids for a night without requiring a paycheck.

I never intended this to be an airing of dirty laundry, but I have nowhere else to put all of this, and I need for it to not be inside of me anymore. I feel such a heavy guilt for even complaining when so many in this world have it much, much worse than I do. But if I'm being honest, this is where I am right now. I have been fighting and clawing and trying to force myself out of this funk, but each time I begin to see improvement, something happens that pushes me right back down. I am exhausted.

Still, I am holding on to a small hope. Hope that maybe things will get better. But mostly that my children will be too young to remember that their mother spends way too many days exhausted and unable to emotionally engage. That some days, simply getting out of bed to provide the most basic care is all that she can muster. I hope that they will remember the fun times. And most of all, I hope that this unshakable cloud of despair isn't shading their childhood too terribly.

Michigan, Day 2: Apples, Corn Mazes, Wine Tasting and Pizza

The next morning, we woke up, had breakfast, went swimming in the hotel's pool, and headed out for the day. We quickly realized that stores don't open until noon in sleepy little towns. (We are so very spoiled by city living). We changed plans and headed to a nearby orchard to pick some apples!

I loved that this place offered samples of each type of apple before they sent you out into the fields for picking. 

The kids loved pulling / pushing the apple cart!

Jon could certainly use the better-than-coffee energy boost of an apple!

I've been apple picking in Illinois, Wisconsin, and now Michigan. Sorry Wisconsinites, but Michigan is easily the winner of the apple wars! In WI and IL, I often feel like I have to fight all of the other apple pickers for the single "good apple" on the tree. Here apples were abundant, delicious, and the whole experience was serene and absolutely lovely! We will most certainly be back next year!

We ended up with more than 30 pounds of apples for less than $20!

 After apple picking, we tried navigating the corn maze.

Which Way?

At each marker there was a trivia question to answer that gave you a clue  about which way to turn. 

We were glad to see that we weren't the only crazy people who took their kids wine tasting!

The kids were given their very own cups of sparkling grape juice. One white, One red, of course! As you can see, Elijah's not so sure about this one. 

On the way home, we stopped at a semi-famous (among foodies) slightly off the beaten path wood fired Pizzaria.  It earned high marks, both in atmosphere and in food quality. 

The traditional margherita and the gorgonzola pear with red onions and walnuts.  Yum!

Michigan Day 1: Trains and Dogs.

A couple of weekends ago, in celebration of our 8th wedding anniversary, we took a little road trip to southwestern Michigan. It was a quick trip, and although we were very ambitious about what we thought we could accomplish in 36 hours, once we arrived, most of those plans flew out the window and we were content to meander along the less-traveled roads to see what we happened upon. 

Our first stop was the "I Love Toy Trains" store in New Buffalo. Elijah was in heaven.

 We then drove north on the Red Arrow Highway, stopping to play at a park, and exploring some of the antique stores along the way. This place was so cool, but absurdly expensive. One day I'd love to furnish a house in a similar eclectic style. A girl can dream....

 Next stop was St. Joseph, which seemed to have an obsession with dogs. There were several dog statues set up along the main street, and Izzie felt compelled to kiss each and every one of them.

 She was enthralled by the dogs, until she saw the horses. Here's she's blowing kisses and calling out "come here horsies"

 Meanwhile, Elijah found a pirate bear.

 After leaving St. Joseph, we headed to Saugatuck, a little artist's community set on the water. My express purpose for going to Saugatuck was to see this live, in person:

 I have been watching this piece of art for the past 2 years. I originally saw it on a website and foolishly inquired about the price. uhm... well, lets just hope a windfall is in my future. I remain convinced that this piece belongs in my home, and somehow, someway, I will own it some day.

After Jon pulled me away from the art, we headed into Holland for dinner, and checked into our hotel. At first I was excited to learn that the hotel had a complimentary library with children's books. I chose a couple of them to read to the twins before bedtime. I was particularly happy to find a book that claimed to be about a little girl's first day at a new school, thinking it might help with Izzie's school reluctance. Silly me. this was just one of the horrifying pages of the book:

Afterwards, we actually looked this book up on Amazon. Here are the reviews:

"This book is anything but reassuring, and it is not realistic in its portrayal of a typical first day."


"purchased this book to help my 4-year old adjust to a new school. I threw it away after the first reading. It was a horrible book. The teachers at Vera's new school are inept and contribute to a disasterous first day. The art teacher has Vera draw a picture of her dead pet duck. Yes, the drawing actually shows the dead duck, feet up. The children are all really mean to Vera and the teachers do nothing to help her adjust to school. She ends up getting bitten by red ants. Just what my son needs--fear of bugs on top of all his moving anxiety. Vera ends up running around the school with no clothes because the ants are biting her. "


Amazingly we managed to get the kids to sleep without having horrible nightmares!

Befriending Malaria

Since they started their new school, the twins have been coming home talking about their friend "Malaria". I figured that they had just misheard the poor child's name, and attempted to clarify.

Me: Malaria? That's not really a name. Do you think maybe her name is Valeria?
Izzie: No. It's Malaria.
Elijah: It's really Malaria.
Izzie: See mom, her name *is* Malaria.
Me: uhm, maybe it's Gloria?
Izzie: (Facepalm and Eyeroll) Mom! I already told you. It's not Gloria and it's not Valeria. Her name is really Muh-lair-ee-ya (spoken *very* slowly, for emphasis). Just believe me, okay?
Me: Well, I certainly can't argue with you....

Do you remember...

Our friend Jenny is one of the most fabulous people we know. A couple of months ago, inspired by food inc. and the locavore movement, she began hosting whole foods potlucks at her house. At the one in August, the topic of conversation meandered to the song "September" by Earth, Wind, and Fire. I'm a little fuzzy on the details, but somehow we agreed that the next time we all met, we would all bring instruments and create our very own cover of the song. well, it finally happened this weekend.

The kids were thrilled and had no trouble joining right in. One of our friends even let the kids test their chops on his trumpet. (Elijah was able to make some pretty cool sounds and seems to be a natural Dizzy Gillespie.) We need a little bit more practice before I'd be willing to post a video of our efforts, but I'm certain that one day, there'll be one!

   

 

Chickens?!?

Last week, the city we live in voted to lift a 36 year old ordinance banning ownership of backyard chickens. They are only granting 20 licenses in the first year, and we're nowhere near prepared to jump on the bandwagon just yet, but backyard chicken keeping is something I've been interested in for quite some time now (inspired, of course, by Carrie and her flock!)

Serendipitously I learned that there was a citywide open house of sorts for people interested in urban chicken keeping. The kids and I (along with some friends) visited 4 different coops, met several chickens and their owners, and learned a lot more about the logistics of chicken ownership.

Here are some of the things I learned:

1. Once you're past the chick phase, keeping chickens is a lot less work than one might think.

2. Chicken owners are an extremely cool bunch of people. It's a small but vibrant community I'd love to get to know better!

3. If we're really going to do this, we should look at the chickens primarily as pets, and any eggs they lay as a nice bonus.

   

4. Chicken coops can be incredible architectural masterpieces (which I am woefully unprepared to design or build on my own).

 

5. After touring the different coops, I realized that we really might be able to own chickens. I'm definitely interested in pursuing this, but am most interested in forming some sort of co-op with others who would be willing to share some of the caretaking responsibilities as well as the eggs.

I still have a lot of questions and a ton of research to do. Realistically, we're thinking of setting a goal of spring 2012 to start our own coop. I already know that I want at least one Barred Plymouth Rock, and one Silver Laced Wyandotte. Both breeds do well in the cold of a Chicago winter, both breeds are good egg producers, and their temperaments are described, as "friendly, easily handled, and docile".