One of my children is the most empathetic soul I've ever met in my life. The other one is so full of sass and attitude, that it often astounds me.
For example, after we went trick or treating, we allowed the kids a couple of pieces of Halloween candy, and then put the rest way up high so that they wouldn't eat it all in one sitting and spend the month of November in a sugar coma. We told the twins that they could earn a piece of candy every day, assuming that they were good listeners and helpful around the house.
One of my children has been helpful and thoughtful and kind. The other has screamed, kicked, spit, fought, and generally engaged in all sorts of salty behaviour. One child earned candy, the other did not.
Flash forward a few days, and I discover a secret stash of empty candy wrappers. A bit of questioning led me to discover that child #2 has been pushing chairs around and climbing up to the candy bowl to sneak unearned treats. When I questioned this child about their behaviour, the response I got was "I *had* to take the candy. You wouldn't give it to me".
They're 3.
This is the same child who, as I'm trying to buckle them into their car seat in the middle of a torrential downpour, tells me that if I don't want to get wet, I should buy an umbrella. (This was the response after I asked them to hurry up and sit in their seat so I could fasten the buckles.)
So, here's my question for those of you experienced in sass. What techniques have worked for you? For those who have more than one child, how do you go about rewarding one child for their good behaviour while also encouraging the other not to make bad choices? And finally, how do you handle the moments when one child is being really good because he or she really wants to do something, but the other child's negative behaviours don't deserve to be rewarded?
(example: both kids really want to go to the park. One kid is being really good to "earn" a trip to the park. The other child is not cooperating and definitely does not deserve said trip. What do you do?)
7 comments:
Wow, that's a tough one. Wish I had some suggestions, but obviously I'm just now entering the realm of at-times-dueling kiddos. I'll be watching others' comments with interest!
just for fun, add a third child and split the scenario three ways: one kid is good and wants to go to the park, one kid is good but would rather go swimming, and one kid is a nightmare that doesn't deserve to go anywhere. when you find the solution, please let me know a.s.a.p.
as for the rewards... well, you have to be careful with that. i don't do a lot of "rewards" at our house because it's so easy for one child but completely unattainable for another. instead, there's time outs for crappy behavior. they would still get one piece of candy a day, but would have a time out for bad behaviour.
good luck.
Cathy,
Oy Vey! What I generally do in those sorts of situations is make a plan to have a special "date" with whomever is being good so that we can spend some time doing exactly what s/he wants to do. I love spending 1 on 1 time with my kids, and they definitely crave that.
The problem is that approach often requires really delayed gratification, which is a tough concept for me sometimes, let alone a 3 year old!
There are so many times when I'm completely torn by how to handle these kinds of situations. I want so badly to be able to treat my children as individuals, but the reality is that we're usually all a unit, and the needs of one often determine what the others are able to do.
It's especially difficult when one child specifically decides they "want to be bad" and sabotage things for the other.
argh!
i am just glad that i am not the ONLY one standing in the rain waiting for putz to decide to meander her way into the carseat. i can't give advice.
You are way too organized and concept-oriented. My advice is get sloppy and don't worry about it so much. Ignore sass (BTW, love the advantage of having more than one child and you can speak ill about "it" and not mention names, haha), give into sass, encourage sass and good child never has to suffer from it and still reaps way more hugs and kisses from his (or her!) goodness. :)
I often feel torn too.--throw my hands in the air and just go to the park dragging the cranky one along--because leaving him home would probably land me in jail :) I try to remember relationship over principles and that helps guide me...especially when I'm feeling stubborn too!
Oh Cindy, if you only saw me in my day to day life... I'm cracking up at the idea of me and the word "organized" being used in the same sentence.
It's not so much the sass that gets to me. Often that's the one thing that saves my child by making me laugh. I think at the right time and place, some sass can be a really great thing.
The larger issue is the constant, ornery opposition, no matter what we're doing. (and it's not anywhere near as pervasive as I'm making it sound, but it's often enough to be a pattern and an issue that drives me up the wall).
If I give them a choice about anything, one child will answer, and then the other one picks the other option *every single time* just to disagree and, I'm guessing, to assert independence. (And they do have opportunities to express their independence and make individual choices, but that's not realistic all the time. Blessing and a curse with multiples.)
I understand why they're doing it, but realistically if they both want to go to the park but one is choosing to act horribly, how can I take them without that child learning that they will get whatever they want no matter how they act? I'm looking for the teachable moment here.
I have taken them both to the park (or wherever) and then let one of them play while the other has to sit and talk with me, but then they both look at me so pitifully (one wants to play, the other wants a playmate) that I end up caving in and letting them both play, and then I worry about reinforcing negative behaviour.
Or maybe I'm totally over-thinking this (shocker!). Who knows.
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