School Redux, Part 2

Last night we went to an open house at the twins new preschool. The kids got to show us around their classrooms and introduce Jon to their teachers, and we learned a bit more about the curriculum and general flow of the school day.

Izzie was happy as a lark to have us all in the same classroom, and especially loved spending time in Elijah's classroom. Elijah was greeted with a huge hug by one of his classmates, and pushed Jon up to his teacher, saying "Daddy, go talk to her. Don't be shy".

I also had a chance to talk with Izzie's teachers more in-depth about the crying. I had originally thought that it was just mild tearing up that she got over quickly. Yesterday when I dropped her off, I saw it for the first time, and it's deep, from the soul sort of sobbing. Also, apparently once she gets started crying, she doesn't ever recover from it, and spends the entire 2.5 hours she's there crying on and off.

Once she gets home, she mopes around and has started acting out (being extremely rude, yelling at me, Jon, and Elijah, being extremely emotional, giving me the silent treatment, getting very frustrated with even the most basic things, stomping up to her room and lying in her bed looking pitifully sad). She isn't very open to talking about it (she says things like "mom, why are you asking about the crying AGAIN?")

All I can think is that Elijah has been her "security blanket" for her whole life -- the only thing that's been truly consistent while the two of them went through all sorts of upheaval and changes. She's always been the stoic, emotionally stable one, but then she's always had him, and he's always had a much harder time adjusting to newness and change. I'm now realizing that his presence has been her stability. Without him, she feels completely unsafe, and is scared to death that her family won't come back for her. Rationally, she knows that we will, but emotionally she's a mess.

It's breaking my heart to see my sweet, vibrant, independent, strong, smart, wonderful girl struggle so much. I'm surprised that she's the one having trouble because I fully expected this transition to be harder on Elijah. After all, he's the one who cried every single time I dropped him off at our gym's playroom for over a year! But now I think he dealt with those emotions at that point, and is able to separate comfortably knowing that we will always come back for him.

So here's what we've been doing:

A lot of talking (about feelings, safety, what if's, expectations, etc.)

A lot of validation of those feelings and reasoning through why those things won't happen, but also contingency plans for if they do.

I sent a laminated picture of our family and our dog with her to look at if she's sad.

We read / talked about / tried "The Kissing Hand"

We talk about the fun things they do / learn in school, her teachers, her new friends, and things to look forward to.

I've had her draw how it feels to be at school, and talked about the drawing.

Bribery: We made a sticker chart, and if she can make it through 5 days at school without crying, I will take her to a bakery and she can choose a special dessert.

I've also let her teachers know that I'm more than willing to stay with her for a while to help her get settled, but they're not open to that idea at all. (I was a teacher for years, and totally understand the rationale, but it somehow seems very different when it's my own kid!)

We've talked about putting them in the same class, but it's just not possible at this time (and probably not the best idea anyway because Elijah's actually doing much better on his own than he tends to do when he has Izzie to rely on.)

I'm sure that things will improve, and learning to separate comfortably is something she needs to be able to do, but I want to know that I'm doing everything I possibly can in order to support her through this. Lately it looks like her light has dimmed substantially, and she's having trouble making friends because she's spending so much time crying. It's so, so hard to watch my child struggling so much. I'm thinking that if today doesn't go markedly better, I'm going to talk to the school social worker and see what she has to say. I just don't know what else to do!